Recipe 01
Emergency Banana Bread
For when those bananas on your counter become a biohazard.
What You Need
- 3 bananas (the browner and uglier, the better)
- 1/3 cup melted butter
- 3/4 cup sugar
- 1 egg
- 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
- 1 teaspoon baking soda
- Pinch of salt
- 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
What To Do
1
Preheat oven to 350F. That's the dial on your oven. Turn it.
2
Mash the bananas in a bowl with a fork. Pretend they owe you money.
3
Mix in melted butter, sugar, egg, and vanilla. Stir until it looks like lumpy soup.
4
Add baking soda, salt, and flour. Stir until just combined. Stop stirring when it looks like batter. Over-mixing is why your life is hard.
5
Pour into a greased loaf pan. Bake 55-60 minutes. Poke it with a toothpick. If it comes out clean, you win.
Moron Tip
No loaf pan? Use a cake pan. Or a muffin tin. Or honestly, any oven-safe vessel that isn't plastic.
Recipe 02
One-Bowl Brownies
Box mix is fine. But this is barely harder and infinitely more impressive.
What You Need
- 1/2 cup melted butter
- 1 cup sugar
- 2 eggs
- 1 teaspoon vanilla
- 1/3 cup cocoa powder
- 1/2 cup flour
- 1/4 teaspoon salt
- 1/4 teaspoon baking powder
What To Do
1
Preheat oven to 350F. Grease an 8x8 pan. Butter, oil, cooking spray, whatever. Just make it slippery.
2
Mix melted butter and sugar. Add eggs and vanilla. Beat it like you mean it.
3
Add cocoa, flour, salt, baking powder. Stir until it looks like brownie batter. You know what brownie batter looks like.
4
Pour into pan. Bake 20-25 minutes. The center should be slightly jiggly. That's not a mistake. That's fudgy.
Moron Tip
If the toothpick comes out with wet batter, give it 5 more minutes. If it comes out with nothing, you overbaked. Eat them anyway. They're still brownies.
Recipe 03
Drop Biscuits
No rolling pin. No biscuit cutter. Just drop and bake.
What You Need
- 2 cups all-purpose flour
- 1 tablespoon baking powder
- 1 teaspoon sugar
- 1/2 teaspoon salt
- 1/3 cup cold butter, cut into small pieces
- 3/4 cup milk
What To Do
1
Preheat oven to 450F. Yes, hotter than the brownies. Different recipe, different rules.
2
Mix flour, baking powder, sugar, and salt in a bowl.
3
Smash the cold butter into the flour mixture with a fork until it looks like wet sand. Lumps are fine. Lumps are what make biscuits fluffy.
4
Pour in milk. Stir until barely combined. The dough should look ugly and shaggy.
5
Drop big spoonfuls onto a baking sheet. Bake 10-12 minutes until golden on top.
Moron Tip
Butter must be COLD. If it's warm, your biscuits will be hockey pucks. Stick it in the freezer for 10 minutes if needed.
Recipe 04
Mug Cake
Cake in 90 seconds. Yes, the microwave counts as baking.
What You Need
- 4 tablespoons flour
- 4 tablespoons sugar
- 2 tablespoons cocoa powder
- 1 egg
- 3 tablespoons milk
- 3 tablespoons vegetable oil
- Splash of vanilla
What To Do
1
Get a large microwave-safe mug. Not a small mug. This thing rises. Trust me.
2
Dump in flour, sugar, and cocoa. Mix with a fork.
3
Add egg, milk, oil, vanilla. Mix until smooth-ish. Scrape the bottom of the mug.
4
Microwave on high for 90 seconds. The cake will rise up and look alarming. That's normal.
5
Let it sit for 2 minutes. Eat directly from the mug. You earned this.
Moron Tip
Do NOT use a metal mug. Do NOT use a mug with metallic paint. If you see sparks, you have done something wrong.
Recipe 05
No-Fail Pancakes
Breakfast food is the gateway drug to actual cooking.
What You Need
- 1 cup flour
- 2 tablespoons sugar
- 2 teaspoons baking powder
- 1/2 teaspoon salt
- 1 egg
- 3/4 cup milk
- 2 tablespoons melted butter (or oil)
What To Do
1
Mix dry stuff in a bowl (flour, sugar, baking powder, salt).
2
Mix wet stuff in another bowl (egg, milk, melted butter). Yes, two bowls. Welcome to fine dining.
3
Pour wet into dry. Stir until JUST combined. Lumps are perfect. Smooth batter = rubber pancakes.
4
Heat a pan on medium. Drop 1/4 cup of batter. When bubbles form on top and edges look set, flip.
5
Cook 1-2 minutes on the other side. Repeat until you run out of batter or patience.
Moron Tip
The first pancake is always trash. It's the sacrificial pancake. Give it to the dog. Or eat it standing over the stove like the animal you are.